Top 5 Zombie Apocalypse Escape Vehicles
PUBLISHED FRIDAY, OCTOBER 21, 2016
Not sure what to drive in the event of a zombie apocalypse? We've got some ideas.
Zombies. We all think we’re prepared, but have you considered your getaway vehicle in the event of an apocalypse? We have, and as a public service, we’re sharing five recommendations. These popular used cars and trucks have unique features that could help keep you alive if civilization is threatened by the undead. They’re also great for everyday driving, and their upfront prices are quite reasonable.
Ford King Ranch Series
King Ranch is the badge for Ford’s heavy-duty range of pickups and SUVs, which includes the F-150, F-250, and Expedition. These trucks are big, brawny and capable; they’ll carry you and your family, any survivors you meet along your escape path, and really big loads of gear. If you want to pull a camper behind you, hook it to the F-250 — it’s got a 12,000 pound towing capacity. Other useful features include a heavy-duty brush guard on the front grille, extra ground clearance, and running boards for rescuing humans. They can jump on as you go by and you won’t need to slow your roll. Some of these trucks are flex-fuel, but none are particularly great on gas, so be sure to pack a siphon.
The Tacoma is Toyota’s best-selling rugged pickup. Toyota keeps making ‘em, and their owners keep finding new uses for them. The all-wheel-drive Tacoma, in single-, extra-, or double cab layout, is a solid choice when you need adaptable transportation during a zombie apocalypse. It’ll move plenty of passengers and gear — provisions for weeks! — over challenging terrain. Just throw your tents, sleeping bags, and pickaxes in the back and bug out. Later models include a rollover sensor that triggers the airbags in the cab if things get really hairy during an escape and you go upside-down. And the Tacoma is surprisingly quiet; if you find yourself surrounded by shuffling corpses, extra insulation and weather stripping in the doors will muffle the moaning outside so you can grab some needed shut-eye. The quiet works both ways, too — you might attract fewer zombies while buttoned up in a Tacoma.
The most expensive car on this list but still a bargain for a used Porsche, the Panamera has hundreds of horsepower on tap for escaping zombie hordes. If you can score a Turbo S model, you’ll have 500-plus horses and twin-turbos under the hood — quite noisy, frankly, but you’ll quickly put any threat in your rear-view mirror. Big but under 5 feet tall, this low-slung, low-profile Porsche may be the ultimate zombie escape vehicle. Any Panamera you choose will give you room for four inside, plus generous trunk space for transporting canned goods, bottled water, and machetes. And, if the world is falling apart around you, the Panamera’s sumptuous leather interior and bevy of entertainment options could be very welcome diversions.
This Fiat is just the ticket when you need a zombie decoy vehicle. It’s quick and maneuverable, sure, but the turbo motor and twin exhaust pipes sing a glorious aria that’ll captivate the decaying ears of any brain-eaters in the vicinity, and attract them to you. Plus, you can crank up the Fiat’s premium audio system to draw zombies from miles around (your Zombie Attracting Mixtape could include Wagner’s Ride of the Valkyries) Use the noise to create a diversion and draw the Z’s away from your encampment. The Fiat’s retractable roof allows 360-degree observation, and the small trunk holds a baseball bat and a crowbar. Can’t find an Abarth? The Scion TC is a suitable alternative — it’s also small, quick, and able to get in and out of tight spots.
The Kia Sorento is a quick and capable, fuel-efficient crossover that seats up to seven survivors of a zombie apocalypse. Its options include keyless entry, all-wheel drive, nav system, more than 70 cubic feet of storage space, and a panoramic sunroof so sentries can watch your perimeter. When the third-row seat is in place, the trunk is still roomy enough to hold your hatchets and samurai swords. One of the Sorento’s biggest strengths as an apocalypse vehicle may lie in its blind-spot monitoring system, which uses sensors and an audible warning to warn you when zombies are sneaking up from behind.
Our legal department wants us to point out that they love zombies as much as anyone else, but that this list is subjective, and meant for entertainment purposes only.